In an effort to save time i’ve developed a “back to school blog post” template that you can just fill out in the future.
Today my [son/daughter/pet goat] will be starting [enter grade or prison term].
What a [joyful/sentimental/heartbreaking/fucking godsend of a ] moment!
Was it just last year that i thought [how young he is!/what a scholar he will be/when will i ever find time to wax/wow the new 3rd grade teacher is kinda hot].
So early this morning i [gently woke him with a gentle caress and loving words/ opened his door and shouted “Good Morning!”/ hauled his ass outta bed 5 minutes before we had to be at the bus stop] and prepared him for his day.
I packed him a [nutritious/carb loaded/ good god you FEED your kid THAT?] breakfast and sent him on his way with his [cheerful/ hopped up on Red Bull/bitter that this is where her career in deomlition derby has led her] bus driver.
At school he will be greeted by his [amazing teacher/bitter substitute/crazy-eyed bag lady] who will guide his day with [well prepared and interesting lessons/the same crap they did last year/ a rousing game of beer pong].
As he is in a special Ed classroom, there are also the aides [Patience McCaring/ Bitter McWhiney/Googly Eyes McWhere’smypills?] to help his teacher keep all these little [angels/ demon spawn] [in line/within the compound/from tearing up what’s left of last year’s decorations because school budgest are still being stretched too thin].
We’re all hoping for a [successful/undramatic/non-biting] year!
I plan to go to [every/a few/look, you’re lucky i get the kid on the bus] meeting, open house and parent conference, and can’t wait to see my lil munchkin dressed up for the [school play/xmas pageant of torture/Lord, how many of these things do they have each year?].
After this year, he will be entering [the next grade level/the workforce/the 7th level of hell] and will hopefully look back on this year with [fondness/ sentimental anguish/without wanting to stab anyone, repeatedly].
So good luck lil [man/lady/hellion]!
Make it the most [fantastic/awe inspiring/lets just not hurt anyone, k?] year possible!
(This is the last year of preschool for my kid, and as you can see, i am already jaded. Next year, i will no doubt have a tearful, heartfelt post about my son entering kindergarten, and all the joys/fears that go with it. Or i will use this template. AS my son is enrolled in LAUSD, which seems to start school later than EVERYONE in the WORLD, i ‘ll no doubt be the last in a line of back to school posts, and as such will not want to bore you with the same story you read weeks before from a much more talented, caring and sober blogger.
All i can say is HALLELUJAH! 3 whole hours to myself! woot!)