So I’m trolling around on Pinterest, (I KNOW, right?) when I come across this pin that shows 50 ways to inspire your husband. And since I am a woman who realizes that marriage is a work in progress–WORK being the emphasized word here, I thought I would take a gander at this list of inspirations. The divorce rate among parents of special needs kids is supposed to be stupid high (actually just 1 or 2% higher than the national average, so fuck you statistics), so I take the work of trying to a) raise my child right b) keep my marriage together and 3) maintain my FUCKING SANITY very seriously. I want my husband to be inspired. Ok, mmaaayybbeee I’d like him to be more inspired to do the dishes–but still, that’s inspiration, right?
Now, I should say, as a disclaimer, that I was NOT the intended audience for this article. My Old Man and I don’t go lookin’ for ways to pray together, nor are either of us Christians. Now–don’t construe this as a “making fun of Christians” post. Lemme just be clear on that measure. If you clicked on the link and said–“Hey, that’s a pretty good list!”, you MIGHT want to disregard the rest of this post. So just click on back over to that mommy site and have yourself a grand old time. I won’t mind. Have fun. *waves*
Now–for the rest of us who think these suggestions would only inspire our husbands to run shrieking from the house…
Here’s the top 10 gems!
- 3. Give him one night on a regular basis to do something he loves.
Masturbate? I don’t understand.
- 8. Text him. Example: “REMINDER: I BELIEVE IN U.”
I can think of a gajillion OTHER text he would like to receive most involving shots of your cleavage or BJ promises. I think this one is right up there with “pick up a gallon of milk” or “get the dog spayed”
- 10. Leave sticky notes in his lunch, on his steering wheel, in his briefcase, etc. “So proud of all you’ve been doing with ___.” “You are so great with our kids.” “You are my dream come true.” “You are an incredible lover.”
“WHY ARE THERE GODDAMNED POSTITS ALL OVER MY SHIT?” –what I would hear. Also–be sure to leave the salacious and embarrassing ones in his briefcase or work files so that they can be discovered by his boss and co-workers. I mean, if he’s an animal in the sack or you’re making a “back door” promise, they should all know and be proud of him too, right?
- 18. Start and keep a “Dreams” binder with him. Include some travel brochures or whatever gets you excited. In the back, make sure you have a “Dreams turned reality!” file.
Great. Homework. He LOVES homework. What if that dreams binder included burning the dreams binder and running off to Vegas with a floozy? are you ready to make that happen?
- 21. Gently communicate with him about what you like in bed, and respond encouragingly to his attempts.
I don’t think that means “awwwww. At least you tried, huh?”
- 30. Do something fun and unexpected together: paintball; laser tag; on a spring day, have a picnic, blow bubbles, and bring the books you’re reading; swing; go to a drive-in movie, bring popcorn, and instigate a make-out session.
Or, or…at the bank, make him wait in the car and when you’re done making the deposit or harassing the teller, run out of the bank, jump into the back of the car and yell “Drive! If you want to live to see our kids again, for the love of god, DRIVE!!” for extra fun, pay someone over by the ATM to run after the car after you take off. See? FUN.
- 33. Go to a home improvement store to plan a small, doable project that energizes both of you, even if it’s just painting a room or fixing up some landscaping.
Yeah–like take him down to the specialty shop and force him to look at 50 different kinds of curtain rods to pick the PERFECT ones for the guest room he never even enters. And matching pillow shams. and bric-a-brac. You know how he LOVES bric-a-brac.
- 35. Find a mutually enjoyable activity you like doing together on a regular basis
Sleeping? I don’t get it. We also like eating. Eating is good. Oh–we like to ignore Benji when he’s screaming or being a pill. Does that count?
- 38. Discover his love language and become even more fluent in it.
OH DEAR GOD. If I even initiated this discussion, I think he would file papers. Yeah–he’s got a love language. It’s “don’t fucking talk to me about love languages!” or baseball. He’d prolly faint if I showed a SMIDGE of interest in baseball. Gawd–I’m yawning just THINKING about it.
- 48. In his area of weakness, pray about how to subtly and gently step in and help him.
In other words, change him into the person you want him to be. Because that’s why you got married, right?
Look, men will be the first to tell you that they are not that complicated. The lady who taught at my Mommy & Me torture session baby class, who was also the mother of 8 and married some gazillion years told us simply: “just feed ’em and sleep with ’em. They’ll be happy.” Now, this is a bit of an understatement–but not much.
I am not gonna come out and say my marriage is perfect or that my husband is always happy. But we WORK at it and we TRY–and that’s what really matters in our book.
By the way–here are two of the gems she DID list that I think she nailed:
- 1. Initiate great sex.
- 26. Ban yourself from any nagging
Add to that feed them well, don’t be a bitch (or at least warn them when you feel you can’t help it) and love them for who they are. There is only one person you can change in your relationship: YOU. I mean seriously. Trying to change him is like puttin lipstick on a pig. And that is a SERIOUS waste of the perfect shade of raisin. Am I wrong?