Trolls

When I was a kid, the only kind of troll that mattered to me was the one in the Billy Goats Gruff story. And those annoying, creepy-faced troll dolls that look like Snow White’s Dopey, degraded with a pedophile smirk.

But with Al Gore’s nifty invention of the internet, it seems a new kind of Troll developed.  With many offshoots.  Let us take a moment to examine the many species of internet troll here on…Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Internet Kingdom.

ALLCAPSWILLIE: 

• THIS IS THE GUY THAT PUTS ON THE CAP LOCK, IGNORES EVERY LOGICAL STATEMENT YOU MAKE AND SIMPLY SHOUTS AT YOU BECAUSE YOU DO NOT HOLD HIS WORLD VIEW.  HE FEARS YOU WILL MISS HIS STATEMENT AND THEREFORE ROT FOR ALL ETERNITY IN THE FIRES OF HELL.  HE’S ONLY DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.  WHY WON’T YOU LISTEN?!? AFTER ALL, HIS CAPS LOCK DEMANDS YOUR ATTENTION!

Not to be confused with:

@Prays4usWillimena:

• She spends a lot of time saying her rosary while she trolls the internet looking for sinners.  She was beaten by nuns a lot as a child and feels that the best way to live life is to punish others for their wayward views and blasphemous thoughts. Belly shirts should not reveal a belly! Jesus would hate that sooo much!

RandomFactSue:

• Sue is the gal that reads your post/blog/article and doesn’t really get it, but it mentioned Canada, and therefore must be about Jihadists or how bologna is made.  And she tells you about it, it great detail, even though you were writing about polar bears. And even when you try to talk her down regarding the heathenous hoard to our North, she then reveals what she was thinking all along: that you are part of the problem. You must be Canadian.

SLIGHTLY related to:

Always-comes back to (abortion, Obama, homosexual agenda, partial nudity) Franklin

• Oh, you mentioned Canada?  Well then it’s all Obama’s fault because of ObamaCare and those damn socialists trying to destroy the foundations of American freedom.  Harry cries a lot when no one is looking, tries to like his neighbor—no not that one, the WHITE one—and has a large gun arsenal.

Creepy sexual innuendo Hector

• Oh, you mentioned Canada, did you?  Well you know what is just like Canada?  His penis.  #NovaScotia

(I don’t even know what that means, but I am sure that it’s against Sharia AND Iowa law.)

Threats of personal violence because my penis is so small I can’t even masturbate John

• Unfortunately, a few of us are familiar with this guy.  Sometimes these frightened creatures operate supposed charities/cults.  They are a scary part of the interwebs—and I fear we spend a lot of time convincing ourselves they are just harmless cowards.  But if a coward gets enough gumption and support, they do cowardly things.  Report this jackass.  Immediately.  NOT KIDDING.

Says exact opposite to get a response Charlie

• This is usually the troll we can identify right off the bat—because their comment is usually starts with something like “you’re obviously an idiot” or “people like you”.  They obviously lead a sad existence living on liver paste and All In The Family reruns.

Variation 1—contrary with slurs to get a greater response Ramone.

• You know this guy—his response is usually peppered with the word “retard” or “skank”.  The chances of this guy being a 19-year-old girl is very high. The chances of this guy ever talking to a 19-year-old girl? Low.  No, think lower. There ya go.

Variation 2—member of the opposing team  Sheila

• More often spotted on sports blogs; a member of the opposing team’s fandom who is determined just to ridicule / emasculate the team in question.  You know—like high school, but without them ever having to take the risk of competing in anything , performing in front of a crowd, or looking anyone in the eye.

@AttentionWhoreAnnie

• Oh, Annie.  You try to join the conversation, but it becomes obvious in two comments that you are just a sad, 40-year-old man living in your mother’s basement.  Get out a little.  Experience sunshine.  Pet a dog.  Maybe even bring in your mail.

Inappropriate screenname Dicky

• He actually makes coherent statements and is capable of a well thought-out conversation.  But how can you ever agree with ANYTHING said by “charming_rapist_69?”

I have been – thus far – lucky enough to avoid the attention of these trolls with my trip-trapping hippie rants.  Even though it’s considered a rite of passage for every blog to attract the attention of a troll, I am kinda glad they haven’t seen me in my hunting blind yet.  It allows me to watch them more closely, and mock them relentlessly.

And thanks, Al Gore! This series of tubes is really something else.