How To Be A Facebook Bully In 5 Easy Steps!

I know what you’re thinking.  Why doesn’t anyone take me seriously on Facebook and other social media?  What can I do to get the attention of the people who just won’t listen to the gas cans full of wisdom I have to give?

Well, I’ll tell you brother–you have to MAKE them listen.  That is the only way the world will ever stand up and pay attention!

I know, I know–BUT HOW?  you ask.  Simple–try bullying!

Oh, sure.  You could try the high ground and be respectful of other people’s values and beliefs, but honestly, where is the fun in that?  And it certainly won’t impress the ladies, amiright?

No sir, with my simple straightforward plan, why, even a hormone enraged teen could make this seem like child’s play.

But let me tell you a little bit about the background of this amazing plan.  I sent out my scientists, all graduates of ITT Tech and the infamous International Correspondence Schools to carefully observe and gather data on multiple social media sites.  In a triple blind study of the most popular candidates on Facebook and their amazingly inferior opponents, our crack team of scientist gathered the key ingredients for success in a social media outlet by carefully engaging the popular, placing false “vaguebook” statii, making wild political statements, poking fun and outright disagreeing with them.  All against a control of kitten and unicorn pictures.  After a careful study of the data, I was able to use my college education and superior logic skills to deduce a plan of action that would allow even the homeliest of maternal basement dwellers into the king of the Internet*

Read through and practice these steps, DIRECTLY AS WRITTEN, and when you come face to face with someone who refuses to listen or accept your opinion as word on high, you will know EXACTLY how to handle them.

1) Use your OWN insecurities as insults for your opponents.

You might be thinking–but HOW can I attack them?  I…I don’t even KNOW them.  Easy!  Turn that hateful stare back on yourself for a moment.  What do you hate the MOST about yourself?  Too fat?  no backbone?  inability to engage in sexual congress?  covert racism?  Well, then, THERE is your arsenal!  Simply look to the actions and words of your opponent and see how they fulfill that arsenal.  He made a joke about you that you didn’t like?  Call him a bigot!  Don’t hold back on the insults either–drop the big guns like bigot and pussy, and leave them no room to defend themselves.  If they should respond, make sure to point out how their argument is just as bigoted as the joke they previously uttered.  do not HESITATE for a minute.  Stand fast to your argument and refuse to back down.

2) Prove your superiority

If you find the little weasel you are trying to destroy has a few friends trying to defend him, it is time to prove your superiority.  This is a fantastic time to point out your credentials, your publications, your invitations to speak at conferences, the famous people you know, or even your 22,970 followers.  Let that little worm KNOW that YOU are the voice of authority.  Remind them of your mental acuity, with patronizing statements like “you should try this” and “reading is good.”  Don’t allow their arguments involving logic or pragmatic defense to cloud the truth that YOU are the one whose opinion should be paid attention to, and NO OTHER.

3) Use careful scientific methods to prove the stupidity of your opponent

One of the ways to really prove your superiority and drive your point home is to use scientific methods and graphs and pie charts.  No one can deny the power of science to prove your point!  And if they continue to discredit your point, you can then also mock them for not being able to read a graph!  It’s a multitasking tool!

4) Surround yourself with followers who only agree with you–to the point of blind devotion.

One of the great things about building a major following, is that you can make sure that those you follow are in complete 100% agreement with you–even if you don’t make sense.  Why look at the power of Jim Jones, L Ron Hubbard and David Koresh!  Their followers never doubted their wisdom!  Look to their example.  Should any of your followers begin to question you, you can then use these methods on them as well, before discrediting and blocking them from your group.

5) Accuse the person you are bullying of being a bully themselves

This is the method that is key–KEY to your success.  Because what is the one thing that will garner sympathy from no only your followers, but gain you NEW followers?  The accusation that YOU YOURSELF are being bullied.  Your social media success  CANNOT move forward without this step.  Anything else is just commonplace bullying, and frankly a CHILD could do that, right?  the mark of the evolved bully is to really use ALL the bullying tools in your arsenal.

Trust me, this is the one and ONLY plan that will work quickly and efficiently.  Why, one of my own friends was bullied JUST TODAY, and his name has been dragged through the mud for simply making a joke in which no malice was intended.  I  simply have to bow to the genius of the bully in question, because he certainly knew EXACTLY what he was doing.  On top of that, his own argument was so convoluted and disjointed, that I almost believed him, being a simple-minded parent who could never EVER understand the complexities of someone else’s life.

But don’t just trust my professional word.  Read these amazing testimonials:

“I followed these 5 easy steps and now my cats, Mr. Mittens, Mrs. Paws, Fluffy and Fuzzypants McGillicutty agree with me that the other person was totally stupid”–Jillian Snoland

“These steps must really work.  As soon as he called me a bigot I knew I had no chance at winning the argument. After all… I’M A BIGOT! How could I be right?”–Jeremiah Snodgrass

“I am a firm believer in these steps. When followed to the letter, you simply cannot lose another Internet argument again.” ~Juan Andon

“I used to feel helpless and unloved, surrounded by my own misery and left-loathing. But now I’ve learned the steps toward turning that anger outward in ways that devastate others while making me feel self-assured. You can’t put a price on self-assurance.” – Hubert Myspays

These steps really raised my internet bullying to a whole new level. I NEVER lose an argument now. It doesn’t matter whose character I defame. ~ Ben Dover

Dream big my friends! Owning the Internet is not just a dream! Don’t let your own insecurities hold you back, use it to your advantage, and make your enemies quake in fear! The world is yours! MAKE IT YOUR BITCH!

*no actual title or subsequent land grant is of yet available

VS

You know what I think?

Yeah, I don’t know what I fucking think.

I’ve stayed away from the blogging scene recently because of that.  I’ve got nothing, except a full schedule, and I always don’t make time for writing.

And some would look at that and say I am not a true writer.  That were I truly dedicated to my craft, I would wake up wanting–no, NEEDING to write, and nothing would get in my way of doing it–not the dishes, not the mortgage, not the laundry…

And I haven’t been sewing much lately.  My schedule, again is full, and I’ve found those moments to myself have been just that–and I’ve curled up with a book and a cuppa and haven’t ventured much into my studio.

And some would say I’m not really committed to my art. That if crafting were that important to me, I would be COMPELLED to do it. It would take up every moment I have,  because that’s how they define inspiration.

I haven’t been eating well lately.  I have a tendency to reach for what is easy, and what tastes good, and what fills that internal comfort meter of the fat/sugar ratio of delight.  Because pastries were meant to be consumed.  And “beer is proof that God loves us.”  (Ben Franklin)

And some would say I am not serious about getting healthy and losing these extra pounds.  That if I were serious, I would only eat this or that, and I would have will power, and I would exercise and nothing would get in my way.

My face to face time with friends has been limited lately.  Because sometimes I find it exhausting.  And I prefer a moment to myself with the new season of Downton Abbey and a warm beverage.

And some would say I am not a good friend.  Because I don’t go out of my way to make the time to go on this lunch date and join that book club and share that recipe and drink that cocktail.  If I really wanted girlfriends, I would make the effort.

My parenting has been sorta off track lately.  SO much so that I have to make lists of the things I’m supposed to be doing because I forget that he has to brush his teeth, or that we should go to the park, or that there is homework in his backpack.

And some would say I’m not being a good parent.  Because they define parenting by some sort of construct they developed themselves based on a ratio of their own parents’ actions in relation to the way THEY wanted to be raised, with a healthy dose of whatever it is they read on the interwebs.  And that if I were really serious about being a good parent, I would read this and do that and feed him that and read him that.

I’m not one for New Year’s resolutions.  I always figure if I need to make a change, I do.  I don’t need a prescribed date to do it. 

And, I suppose, some would say I’m lazy and missing an opportunity to better myself.

But, funny thing is, there’s a resolution I just realized I was so far keeping this year:  oddly enough, I’m not listening to what THEY say anymore.  As far as I’m concerned, THEY can go fuck themselves, because they obviously don’t know me.  THEY seem to make a habit of bullying others because that person doesn’t fit within their social construct.  THEY shout loud for all to hear that THEY are the ones with the answers, and woe to those who disagree.  And they quote holy books, or scientific studies, or Facebook posts, and claim to have the answers. FOR ME. Having never sat on my saggy couch or eaten my banana bread.  THEY are no better than the invisible army they rail against.  Just loud and obnoxious and insulting bullies.  And I’m tired of them having a voice.  I really am.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some laundry to do, and I need to brainstorm a way to get my kid to WANT to line up at the morning bell, and I’ve got some knitting to finish, and I’m a little hungry since I haven’t eaten brekkies yet.  You know–LIFE.  The thing we end up doing when we stop listening to THEM.